Must admit, I don’t have much to say. For reasons, had to, (decided to, felt like?) suspend work on this project, a while back. It’s a bit strange, this was just meant to be a comic strip about my life, slowly learning to draw. Maybe working with health care professionals in order to make sure I was able to properly convey what I wanted to share. (I’ve always had a hard time to understand people and to communicate my ideas properly.) But the last few years became something I couldn’t foresee and conceive. There’s much to reflect about, I guess. Many new art ideas that I just couldn’t do but piled up in my mind. Wish I had had the energy to improve over the last few years and if I’m honest, I’m quite disappointed to say that I haven’t, at all, drawn, considering how people improve over a few years, but I’m easily emotionally overwhelmed, so not much to be done about that.
On the plus side? Had the chance to do lots of psy evaluation. I really wanted to get to the bottom of why, ever since I remember, I couldn’t understand the world that surrounds me, just like if I was from another world altogether. For as long as I remember, all of this is so confusing to me. Not only do I not understand most people, that people tend to misunderstand me. I’d say, in many ways, the latter is a bit more annoying considering how prone people are to fill in the blank with preconceived ideas. I tried doing those evaluations 20+ years ago, but felt so misunderstood that I had to leave the idea aside to focus instead on learning how to overcome the limitations I faced in my daily life. Must admit, although I had hoped huge progress had been made since then, even in the past few years I was very disappointed to see how some of the psychiatric evaluation was filled with strong biases. Not only did they end up being a waste of time for everyone involved, that it caused way more harm to my inner world than I could’ve ever expected… Then again, 60 years ago, lobotomy was at the forefront of the psychiatric practice, so I guess I’d prefer to focus on how fast we’re improving? In my case, the most likely culprit seemed to have been autism, there’s a bunch in my family tree, but it was inconclusive. (at this point, I think it’s safe to reject that possibility unless future developments happen in the field that makes that diagnosis non-subjective and my mind just wouldn’t allow myself to self-label.) On the brighter side of things, neuropsychological evaluations seems way more accurate. Even though they don’t end up with a diagnosis of their own, at least mine didn’t, they do give a better overall portray of the strengths and weaknesses one faces. Parts of me wish we could evaluate autism with genes and iMRF to rule this possibility once and for all, though… I’m a bit worried that if that day ever comes, some people might decide to use those to control pregnancies, that thought alone horrifies me… I hope we never, ever, ever come to this. Our different institutions are already so poorly designed for people that fall outside the norms. We all have different capabilities, wouldn’t this world be better if we could simply accept that we’re different and work together to complement each other strengths and weaknesses? As for me, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from all those evaluations, it’s that at the end of the day, they’re just medical terms. They do try to convey the reality of someone’s mind, but I’m pretty sure we could, just as well, focus on conveying someones’ reality instead of labelling them. Must admit, although I really wish I could’ve had a clear answer, I found really interesting to discover how controversial the DSM was when it was first introduced, I’m surprised it’s still around though I can see why the profession needs a starting point.
Stressful things aside, I did discover a few things I really enjoyed in the last few years? Been making list of my favourite things, here's a small part :-D
Manga!!!
- Love me for Who I am: Simply amazing manga about gender diversity. Really wish that 5-tome series had existed when those questions came my way, years ago. To me, the existence of this shows how far we’ve come, to not only be able to discuss those things so openly, but the quality of this series is simply outstanding. I remember struggling with those questions on my own when I was about 16. Wish some country wouldn’t work so hard at banning books on those topics. For those going through those questions, having resources to look up can help a lot. Not having the resources does not remove the challenge one faces. Only bad thing I could say about this one is that I wish they had made 2 extra volumes. Since they decided to discuss both gender identity and LGBTQ+ orientations (from different characters mini stories), it feels like they might’ve cut short a few of the stories. (each character kind of struggle with their own challenges, so it’s not like they crammed it all into one. And the way they justify those people struggling together is just brilliant… Definitely cliché, but for this series, it works so incredibly well.)
- Kuma Kuma Kuma Bear: Be it in manga or light novel form, it’s just a fun read to go through. Had I the finance, I’d really like to make it my first figurine ever. Never understood people that have figurines, but because I don’t understand them, I guess, it makes me even more eager to learn and try getting one of my own. I so wish they’d use a bit more words to say the same things, like maybe… 15–20% more descriptive? I always wish the light novels would last longer... But even so it’s a fun read none the less and must admit I try to keep one tome aside, just in case I meet darker days.
- I think I turned My Childhood Friend Into a Girl: I’m a bit on the fence on this one. I guess it would have to be about cross-dressing, since the male (they don’t self-identify as a female and are amab) protagonist technically dress as a girl, but it sometimes feels like they want to bring the story towards the more complex questions of gender identity. As a manga about cross-dressing, it’s just amazingly well written. They also explore the notion of same-gender relationships, but although I'm currently at tome 6, they kept it really... how can I say... Cute? Pure? (I tend to love in a mostly asexual manner so, to me, it resonates very well)
- Irina: The Vampire Cosmonaut: Great anime, great light novels, mostly about arbitrary discrimination and how, as a society, we can, maybe, overcome it. Can't recommend the anime enough.
- The Apothecary Diaries: Lovely manga and light novel series about a strong female protagonist struggling to survive in feudal Japan as an Apothecary. (not sure it’s the Feudal period, really sorry about that, but it does seem like lots of research has been put towards accurate representation of the period.)
- A Silent Voice: I can’t recommend this 7-manga series about the struggles of a deaf person enough. Having always struggled with being misunderstood, I think it portrays very well the sense of isolation AND how frustrating it can be to do your very best, and how deeply invalidating it is when the world around does not seem to be able to both recognize your struggles and how above and beyond you’re already trying to navigate this confusing world while living with an impactful difference. Must admit, my plan, a few years ago, was to learn brail and the signed language, in hope that by learning alternative ways to communicate, I might get a bit better at my main form. Only downside of this series is it feels like the ending was rushed. The pace just… change in an awkward way near the end. I doubt it gets in the way of being enjoyable, but we can feel it. Had I to guess, they might’ve had enough content planned to fill half a tome 8, but instead of stretching the ending and make a full volume 8, they compressed the story to fit the ending in the volume 7.
Music?
I’ve always struggled to identify and name my own emotions, so… I guess the music I listen to kind of resonate with how I feel. Here are a few discoveries I made over the last few years. I guess most are about a struggling mental health, but… Well… They’re really nice songs.
- Irony by Lizz Robinett: Most of what that artist makes is just great, but this and "Deep Sea Girl" are just... wow...
- Story of Evil, by Lizz Robinett: This is technically a trilogy and I’m pretty sure the best way to appreciate it is to watch the 3 songs, in order, with their respective music videos. Long story short, 1st song (Daughter of Evil) is about a dictator that kind of abuse her power and how easily she disregards the importance of her subjects. Song 2 (Servant of Evil) is about that dictator sibling, that decides to take the place of the dictator, on the gallows without anyone else knowing. Song 3 (Regret Message) is the older dictator, that feels all alone without their sibling and reflects upon their loss. I’ve technically known the 3rd song for a while longer, the melody always appealed to me so I often played it in repeat. But at some point, I discovered the other 2 and, as a whole, it's really lovely.
- Weight of the World (music box): About 2 years ago, I became saturated of listening to songs and needed something to fall asleep to. I’ve always been fond of music box, but never got one, so it felt like the right time. Just a little something to carry around with me. To me, there’s a beauty to music box, where the song only plays as long as the spring has some strength left… I also really enjoy the purely mechanical aspect of it. This particular song is from Nier: Automata, a game I have yet to play, but that I discovered through Final Fantasy XIV. I’m not sure how fond I am of the lyrics themselves, only discovered them in the last week, but the title and melody definitely won me over.
Movies?
Not sure when they entered my life, but since I often play their soundtracks, I’m sure they qualify.
- Anthem of the Heart: A fun (? well… if you like crying) movie about a person that lost their voice, following some situation I won’t get into. The soundtrack is just so fun and a nice remix of classical songs I really enjoy. One of my favourite version of “Over the Rainbow” is in there too. Who knows, maybe after correcting this post, I'll watch it once more.
- Weathering with You: It’s rare that movies inspire me to do stuff, but this movie has really pushed me to do a Teru Teru Bozu… Though it’s been sitting, incomplete, on a table for about 3 years now? Maybe… soon? Thing is, I really would like to do a little kumihimo ribbon for the necktie, but… I just can’t see myself finding that kind of energy any time soon. I have the thread, I have the marudai, I even have 2 amazing books on the topic, but… I’m not really sure how I picture the future, at this point in my life… So I keep reading the books, going over and over the patterns, but I still need to find the courage to do one.
Ho well, I guess that’s about it. I’ve been compiling things I like for a while, been meaning to put them in a leaflet or something, so I guess there’s a few more, but that’ll have to wait. I don’t really see myself finding the energy to update the site any time soon, if I’m honest. But in some ways, it feels like there was a need for an update, today.
Hooo!! NAMAZU!!! Forgot about those!!! Since I spent the last few years being emotionally drained and had to suspend most of my projects, turned to gaming, namely Final Fantasy XIV. Couldn’t be more grateful to Square Enix to do such a lovely game… And… well… I just fell in love with the Namazu beast tribe. As I mentioned at the beginning, I’m a bit sad I couldn’t find the energy to draw anything. I’m not really sure I’ll get back to a place where I can put energy into things, any time soon, but I’ve been meaning to learn to draw namazu. They’re a bit out of fashion, if I’m honest, since they were from an expansion the got released 7 years ago? But then again… On one hand, I guess I badly need to focus more on physical health. Never was able to recover, ever since COVID, so it just went down continuously. On the other, although today should be an important transition period to, maybe, slowly start improving my health, I feel really let down, so I’m not sure if my mental health is about to improve or get worse… Soooo annoying not knowing how I feel myself.
I won't bother fixing navigation or anything of the sort at this point, sorry... Just don't have that kind of energy or focus and I don't foresee finding it any time soon. At some point, I guess, I'll fix the broken parts? Who knows.
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